Well, yesterday was Mother’s Day and this is a day that is supposed to be joyous and everyone is either celebrating their Mother or celebrating being a Mother, but that was not the case for me. Now, don’t get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE being a Mother to my precious daughter and I absolutely love my Mother. I honestly wouldn’t be the person I am today if it weren’t for the support of this amazing woman who raised me almost entirely on her own, but this isn’t about that.
Yesterday I was hit with an enormous amount of depression. It literally came out of nowhere. I was severely depressed and fighting anxiety. I suffer from clinical depression, which means I am lacking a certain chemical in my brain to keep me evenly keeled. (love my technical terms? lol) Because I am lacking this chemical, I have to put forth a lot more energy to be happy and positive, which tends to take so much out of me that I am usually down for a day or two after a period of time.
I must say that my daughter is the most amazing little girl out there because she did everything in her power to put that smile back on my face that was there when I woke up, but nothing she could do put it back. I did make sure she knew that my “mood” wasn’t due to anything she did because she is so wonderful. She made me peanut butter cracker sandwiches for lunch, helped me fold the laundry, put her clothes away, offered to make my bed for me, and even asked if I needed her to hang out with me.
When I say she is amazing, I am not exaggerating, because she is truly the best child ever. For Mother’s Day she made me a coupon book with personalized coupons for me to use whenever I want and they do not expire. My favorite coupon is for her to play with my hair and give me a massage. She also made me a Happy Mother’s Day sign decorated with glitter. It just upset me more that no matter what she did, I just wasn’t happy and it brought her down. I don’t think anyone understands how much it hurts when you know the people around you who love you are also hurting because of this “mood”.
Before you say, “have you thought about taking medication,” I have been down that road with no success. I am trying to work through it the best I can in my own way and I have been having more good days then bad days, but the bad days still suck. There are times when I just need a vacation from my self because the constant battle inside my body is so exhausting that I am unsure if I will ever catch up on the sleep I’ve been missing out on. I do have amazing friends that are there for me, but being me, I don’t always lean on them because I’m always worried about what they have going on and don’t want to burden them with MY issues on top of their already piled high plate. (I get yelled at a lot about that and they all remind me I’m not a burden.) The strange thing is, I don’t always run to them with my problems, but constantly tell them they can come to me with theirs. I think it’s a way for me to completely forget about what I have going on and gives me a way to focus on something else other than myself, but that only makes it worse because ignoring my feelings for a short time doesn’t make them go away. This may be where my anxiety comes in because I keep allowing it all to pile on until it spills over and the panic attacks come at me.
What I want to get across is that depression is not fun, it’s not easy, and it never comes at a convenient time, usually it’s the MOST inconvenient time. I love my life, love my daughter, love my friends, and couldn’t be more grateful for all I have, but know that I am human and I have to exert more energy than most to put on a happy face. There will be times that I just cannot smile, but that doesn’t mean I’m not happy, I’m just fighting a war inside my head and will take some time to get back to me. We have to try not to allow it to take control of your life. Easier said than done, I know, but it’s possible.
Please know you are not alone and there is help out there. I am here, your friends are there, your family, and professionals. I am always here to listen. I am not a professional, so I cannot give medical advice, however I can be a shoulder to cry on or vent on, and I will do my best to point you in the right direction to get the help you need and will not leave your side until you tell me to. There is always a way out and always, always, always someone willing to listen.